Hmmm....I don't "get it"!

I wonder why it is that the simplest things we do in a day may have a lasting impact we could never imagine?
It does indeed puzzle me.

For example. One year ago today I was working a "fun" job at Mall of America. I, along with the manager, had been planning an event, a "doll event" for the store. Oh, the store was "The Franklin Mint." I thought a "celebration" of Princess Diana's life would be a great idea, and was glad to hear Corporate liked it too!

It took weeks to plan the event. People would be flying in from not only Corporate, but managers from other stores throughout the U.S.. We decorated the store, designed the tables to allow the best view of not only the numerous Princess Diana dolls but other Franklin Mint dolls as well. I brought my laptop into the store and we went "live."

We dressed up...mercy, you would have thought we (the other three employees and myself) were going to a wedding, not to a collectibles store in a tourist mall. Cookies and punch in an elegant bowl were served throughout the day. People were oohing and aahing at the dolls.....we made "goal."

The manager, Dennis, and I were at the store at 7 a.m. to begin setting up. We barely made it for the store opening at 10 a.m., actually not making it but at least one of us was on the floor at all times.

The day was a very bittersweet day for me, and at times I found tears in my eyes. Not only was it the 6th anniversary of the death of Princess Diana (we chose to say "celebration of her life" instead), but it was the comments of the customers that brought me to tears. I doubt they knew it and it was not the first time it had happened in my years at the Franklin Mint, but on that day the tears were there, the memories for me not just of a store event but for a woman who was a significant part of my life, even though we never had met.

When children who must have only been barely 10 years old would walk up and say, "mommie look, it's Princess Diana." That alone choked me up, to know and hear of Diana's impact on those I'd not even have thought would know of her. But the beauty was hearing the adult continuing on about Diana. "she was a beautiful lady, a true Princess." I would hear things like this, lovely stories, being told from parent to child. and I would smile, knowing that I was witnessing Diana and her memory being passed down to the next generation. It never ceases to amaze me the worldwide love for Diana. Oh how I wish she could have known it, really known it.

The manager and I left the store that night after 7 p.m., totally exhausted. I was thinking how I would be so glad to rest and get back to my "full time" job the following Monday.

A year has passed since that event. Yet so much has happened. The Franklin Mint stores were all shut down in January (online only now). The fun of working in a store where I was first and foremost a collector is now yet another memory for me. But this particular memory...ah, I cannot tell you why it has made such an indelible mark in my psyche, and yet it has.

Maybe it is because I can never go back. At one time I thought the store would always be there. Indeed, I'd worked part time in 2000-2001. Same manager...great friend. Now all of this is gone, and I have not been back to the Mall.

But still the question remains, for me anyhow. Why is THIS event having such an important meaning for me? Why do I recall everything about that day?

For it wasn't some big world event, or holiday, or anything....

I sometimes think that things which may seem mundane, become, for whatever reason, those memories we cherish most.

DIANA

And when he shall die, take him and cut him out into little stars. And he will make the face of heaven so fine, that all the world shall fall in love with night, and pay no worship to the garish sun.".......Shakespeare

So apt the above quote from Shakespeare, however, for me, it is meant for a woman. It is often said that there are some things which are so deep, so intense, that there truly are no words. I find this the case when trying to put into words my feelings on Diana.

DIANA! Beauty, flawed, radiant, plain, a Lady, a Princess....a human being....she was such a bright star that I suppose I should have known we could not have grown old together....not in the normal sense of "together". I watched as she came on the "scene", oh so many years ago, yet only yesterday it seems. I watched as she dated her Prince, winced as I saw the look in her downcast eyes as she heard her husband to be say in reply to "and you sir, are in love"? "whatever in love means" he said. A stab in the heart for Diana, and yes, me too, for her. And how many missed, or didn't want toread into, or believe it was not a "perfect fairytale"?

Diana was human, she struggled with all the human complexities in life...being a teenage wife, a young mother, dealing with in-laws, on and on....but while doing so, having the entire nation watching every move. I (and indeed many others) was there, excited at the birth of her firstborn, William. Almost as much so as she and her husband were. When little Harry arrived we again rejoiced. I was there for what I could visually see happening also. Diana's turmoil's, her sorrow, her eating disorder, her insecurities, her desire to be loved, yet finding rejection at every turn. We were there and we understood. For we, the common people, have also dealt with these issues. Bad marriages, eating disorders, in-law problems, and on and on.

Diana became not only a Princess but who, in later years, was termed "the people's princess". (a phrase I am to understand she began to dislike).

We cried when the strain and stress of dealing with such turmoil became too much and she broke down in tears in publc...We wanted to hug her and tell her how much she was loved. But sadly, we could not. All we could do as "regular" people was to write her, hoping that our thoughts and feelings would somehow give her the strength to continue on, knowing she was indeed loved.

For me, she was my life...my breath...I truly lived because of her. Upon awaking I would read the papers to see what picture, what article, of her would be in the news. I'd make sure to tape every item on the television in which I felt she would be discussed. Daily visits to the bookstore for any new magazine and book were a part of my daily routine. My clothing reflected what she wore. I got into charity work because of her...for I knew that if she, in all her life's stuggles, could do this, then I, with my daily job, could also give of myself. Thank you Diana. Seventen years...it went by so fast.

Then.... on an August night in 1997 the unthinkable happened. For we here in the United States it was on the 30th...Where Diana was it was the 31st...12:17 a.m. to be precise....

I cannot, even now, "go there"...to that night. I cannot live that night over again...Oh yes! Indeed I can recall every second of that night. But it is not within me to even put into words, the minutes, turning into hours....I cannot go there....nor do I wish too.

But I shall say this....there were more than three lives that ended that night in Paris. Life as I knew it also ended. The unspeakable grief, the unimaginable had happened.....How? HOW HOW HOW!! WHY!! WHY WHY WHY!! Her last day was not even lived happily...Her last moments were in tears....She walked to a car, drove off into a tunnel, and she was no more....and life would never be the same.

The days passed in a blur for me...going through the motions, a robot, the week before her funeral would take place. Her boys, her life....while I was so involed in my own sorrow, I could not think of what they must feel...I just thought it odd actually, that they appeared to be holding up better than myself.

Diana knew my grief. When she journeyed on to her next life, she could then see the love we had for her. She DID know my grief. And I'll tell you how I know. She came to me in a dream the night before her funeral. I shall never forget the blessing she gave me by coming to me. Sadly it wasn't for long. I'm sure she had many others to console. But she came just the same, she stood in a doorway. I was in a darkened room, and on the other side of the door was light. She stood at that door, but looking back at me. I know I was crying. Then that smile, oh that glorious smile, was given to me...yes me! She smiled, she lifted her arm in a slight wave and just before she walked through that door she said to me, "I'm ok now, please do not worry any longer". And I awoke.

Seven years......life is not the same...it never will be again....but oh the blessing of having known her...so now, again, I try to say adieu. Yet I cannot say goodbye because I cannot bear the thought of you Diana, being only a memory when I selfishly want you to be a living, breathing human being. But as I know too well, this can never be. I must hold on to the precious memories you have given me. I thank you for the most wonderful ride in my life. Nothing can dim who you were and will always be. Yet, I feel adieu is what I must do, in some way, for you deserve the peace that sadly eluded you on this earth.

So Diana....dear, sweet, beautiful Diana....I give you back to the One who created you. Until we meet again.....Goodnight Sweet Princess.

And we are creatures of....?????

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, And sorry I could not travel both....I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference......Robert Frost

I spend more time than I should I'm sure, trying (in vain) to understand the human mind and why we do, say and think the things we do.

I watch my fellow human beings, seeing how they act, react, deal with life.

And I wonder....Why is it I feel so different? Why is it I feel, oh, odd, out of place, not belonging? You know, "different" from my fellow human beings?! I often wonder if others feel as I do but they may not feel as free to discuss their feelings? I know I am an open and honest person. I tend to put people off by asking or answering questions others would find "personal" or just not THE thing to ask or answer. For many years when asked what may be construed to be a personal or a somewhat out of the "norm" question, I first reply..."Let me say that I will give you an honest answer, no matter what you ask, and also that you may ask me anything". This seems to frighten people.

But I am getting off topic, if there is one. ..Ah, my musings...trying to sort things out.

Why is it some people can go through life so content? Why do some people require so little? I've met people who have grown up, married, never left the town they are in and they are totally happy? Why are there others, like myself, who feel they are in a perpetual state of flux? Why do I always feel there is something "else" out there? A different city to see. Another Country to live in. On and on I could go.

Why do I not understand the "normal" and comfortable state of what American's (and I suppose other Countries) find in a marriage or a togetherness. Is there some strange cosmic thing that happened with my birth? Did some comets collide to cause the way I "work"? I watch...I observe,...but what I see in others is not me. To be with one person, whether in a marriage or whatever, for an entire lifetime, is a puzzlement to me. There are so many people in the world, how does one find contentment with one and one alone?

So I wonder...why is my "being" always longing to be where it is not, to see what it cannot see? To understand what I cannot understand in viewing others and how they live? (and in their relationships)? What caused me to be this way? Funny really....for while I am perplexed about this, I'm also happy with this...well, as happy as one can be within a "flux".

I also wonder what I did in my previous lives to cause me to be as I am in this life? A fear of heights, of anything around my neck? Ah, it is my past life that is surely the reason for these reactions in this life. Hmmmmm....could my past life be the reason for my character in this life? Am I living in a parallel universe?

Ramblings...I go on and on...and in my ramblings I see that my mind will not rest from all the perplexities, the quagmire which is me...why do I, think, say, feel, as I do? Ah, to have peace.....

"You are a child of the universe (I am?) no less than the trees and the stars, you have a right to be here" (desiderata)....THANK YOU!

The Sea, the Mountains, and me

"With warm feelings...Companionship... Gratitude, I return my gift from the sea"....Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Is there anything more lovely than to sit on the beach, listening, at sunset, to the ocean,? Hearing the waves rolling in, rushing out? To walk in the dusk, feeling sand beneath ones feet, the water wrapping itself around your ankles?

The seagulls! Listening to them above me, in flight, in freedom. The freedom I can only imagine. I look about. I see the mountains. Majestic, silent, strong. I sit in the sand, I look at the sunset, I breathe the ocean air...Ah...Nothing like it. I lie down. I feel the waves around me, I see the mountains raising up to the heavens, I feel the sand and shells beneath by body.....

And wish...I wish that this was real, not mere dreams of where I used to live. I wish I could return, if only for a brief time, to this place I called home....To BE.

So how was YOUR day

What a lovely day for a burglary!! You see, I arrived home to find we had been burglarized. I knew something was wrong when my cat was outside. He who never is out. I went to get him and saw our basement window broken. Went to the side door and turned the handle...unlocked. Called police who checked everything out. The house was a shambles and yes, some things were taken. Fill in the blanks on how I felt about THAT...

What to say? Hmmm....the house DID need cleaning, and I found things I thought I'd lost! New locks need to be on the doors...but they missed many things...I'm doing ok...because luck was with us. Tippy, our cat, was fine except scared (and he was only scared because it was cool and windy and he is afraid of the wind). But Tippy being ok was what counted.

It's awful being so old that nothing phases you. Or is it that I'm old enough to know and appreciate that whic h is important was left?

And thank you JoJo for the welcome.

Muffins, did someone say muffins?

JoJo asked if I got muffins. Ah yes dear JoJo, two weeks ago I did. Made my day I can tell you. Ymmm......

Today, well I would love a muffin today. Monday's...work...working overtime...what to do to try to get through the day without totally stressing...meditate, deep breathing, then home, popcorn time. Popcorn? Ah yes...popcorn it must be, for....THERE AREN'T ANY MUFFINS!

Coffee, a newspaper

Ah, the latte is waiting for me. This is good....however....frustrating thing is that I miss an otherwise relaxing day by thinking of the workweek ahead, and all that this implies. I've heard we (the U.S.) are the most overworked country. Why, with all the "new" innovations, have we less time than ever? And why, if we choose, as I do, to do as little as possible on weekend, are we looked at strangely? Why must a person be on the go 24/7?

Where's my coffee?

Saturday at the Photo lab

I was at the local photo lab today. A regular customer I am. They are like a family to me.

After I had completed the choosing of the photos I wished printed up, I was at the counter, waiting the two to five minutes it takes for my photos to be ready. It was a quiet day there, not good for the company but peaceful for me.

I was given to thought as I stood silently, waiting for the photos. Actually, I was thinking that I wanted to hurry and get them, so I could continue my day's journeys. Then I was caught up by the photo process and the passing of years. Not THAT long ago, we took in a role of film and it was ready in a week or two. We could also send film via mail. That gave way to the one week processing and then 2-3 day processing. And wow! What about the new ONE HOUR photos!!

Now I stand for the short, few minutes, receive my beautiful prints, (and it seems no matter how many I order, the time from my pressing "order" to the time the photos are in my hand is a mere few minutes), and shake my head at not only the "advancement" of the photo industry, but more in the pathetic American feelings of "instant gratification". Was I REALLY wanting the lab to "hurry" from 5 minutes to 2 minutes for my photos?

This caught me up short and gave me pause. I could only think, take a deep breath, smell the roses, look at the sky, think of the ocean, the beauty of the mountains, and realize that life is way to swift, and we are way to anxious to move on to the next moment without appreciating the present.