As the Budda quotes, "I am not one's servant. With the knowledge I have gained, I wander about in all the world, being a servant to no one. One could say, like the rain or sky does wander as no ones servant."
The immediate thought I believe most people feel at hearing the word "alone" is solitary.
It is not.
Alone is what I am. Alone is how I feel. Alone is when you have so many questions. When you desire to have someone, a friend, an acquaintence, someone who will listen and give honest advice. Alone is when there is no one there to ask and receive.
I am alone! Not solitary alone. But VERY VERY MUCH alone. Horribly alone.
Not only do I co-habitate with someone, but I am in a somewhat strange relationship with someone I have been seeing for several months.
The intense feelings are all new to me. I'm totally honest in saying this. Everything that I have never felt, or believed one could feel, everything I have always made a joke of, has now come to bite me in the butt.
No. I do not wish to get out of my homelife situation. Not at all. Nor do I, at this time, wish to discontinue the relationship I have outside my home.
But the relationship I have outside the home has caused me to have so many feelings and and emotions and I am going crazy in trying to think and see clearly. To say I can't "see the forest for the trees" is EXACTLY how I feel.
To have someone whom I can say "this is how he acts, this is what he says (or doesn't say)", To say, "I feel this way when he does, says this. Am I rational? Am I wrong"? On and on.
Oh to be able to have someone to listen as I say "this is what I hear, what I see, how I react to such and such. To say to someone, this is how HE reacts to such and such". But most importantly, what I wouldn't give for someone who, at the end of my talking, would tell me what HE/SHE thinks upon hearing what I have to say. Maybe I would see things much more clearly if I could get my pent up feelings out in the open. I truly believe this.
I've always been a firm believer in communication, yet communication is what I have zero of. I have no one to tell what I am going through, and no one who can listen and tell me what they hear.
That is........................................ALONE
As a HUGE Kaysar fan (Big Brother), I thought for SURE that Kaysar would have learned a, oh, shall we say, better stratagy at playing Big Brother, after being voted out TWICE last year? But apparently NOT!! Not only did he put up two women, he fell into "Chilltowns" hands. Now I understand he has not watched BB before he was on last year, but still. While I think Kaysar has this incredible knowledge, and I would so love to listen and learn from him, it appears he has learned NOTHING on playing BB!!I feel it in my gut that this upcoming Thursday, No one from Season 6 will get HOH and Kaysar will be up on the nomination block. And he'll be like, "WHAT?". Well Kaysar, my man. Don't be shocked. Janelle and James tried to tell you "Chilltown" needed to be brought down, but your pride would not allow you to believe a decision you made could possibly be wrong. I hope I'm wrong, but if I'm not. Kaysar, my man, you need to learn to listen as well as give knowledge.
Yes I am. Leaving August 30th to see family. Just a short trip, returning Sept 3rd. But I'm SO looking forward to seeing not only family but Utah! Mountains!! YES!! I've thought of moving there. Don't know if that will happen. Maybe the trip will help me decide. Hmmmmm
I cannot believe how much Season 6 people are hated. That is Kayser, Janelle, Howie and James. And that my dear Marcellas was not VOTED in but chosen by the staff (producers?) hurt, as I know he would be hurt. That Alison is as awful as ever. Will as arrogant and Danielle, well, I had forgotten about her. I hope Marcellas and Season 6 people can survive this mess.
For my weight loss check up. Every three months I've gone since beginning my weight loss last September.
I love my Doctor. Have a massive crush on my Dr. But that is beside the point. Just wanted to toss that in.
My Dr. is also very honest. In being honest as he is, I get the "good" with the "bad" in his views/opinions, what have you.
So anyhow, I've basically reached my goal weight. But I have questions. Because I've lost so much weight in 9 1/2 months (2 lbs from 70 lbs loss so far), I had questions I wanted to ask, and did.
First my Doctor kept saying how good I looked (thank you). Then said how "massive" I used to be. (er- well thanks Doc). Then I posed to him the big question. All this excess skin I have. Can it be taken care of surgically or should I hire a personal trainer? Maybe the exercises I'm doing are not the correct type for getting excess flesh off a person.
He looks me over, says that I'm exactly like a gastric bypass person, but that my skin has really shrunk well, and will continue to do so. (Good news). He said no surgeon would touch me because I am looking good. (Good news). I grab the various amounts of excess flesh around me, and my arms look awful, and he says, (this is good news dept again) that my skin will continue to adjust to my new weight, to give it time. Said also that building muscles in my arms is really the only way to get rid of that old person look of sags etc.
He also orders up a battery of blood tests to make sure my body is doing well with all the changes that this massive weight loss has produced. (oh, he wouldn't believe I eat. I told him I do. Just eat "better" now).
But! Now listen to this!! I mean, really. He goes and gets me thin. (Well, I get me thin but I'd never have been able to do it if it weren't for him). Ok, back to my point.
He asks me how my "marriage" is doing. I say, "ask me how my affair is going". So he does. THEN!!! Yes, here it comes!!
He says, "you let him (the affair guy) see you NAKED like this?" "yes" I say.
EXCUSE ME??? Ok. So the dear Dr has helped me LOSE the weight, but now says I should not show my body?? LIFE ISN'T FAIR!!!
PS.. keep lights off when having sex with the excess flesh all over the place! Just an FYI. :)
