NEW RULES

A big thank you to Bill Maher, whose link provided above. Yes, these are from the last show of the season but they stand the test of time..

New Rule: Stop claiming you have an "agenda." It's not an agenda. It's a random collection of laws that your corporate donors paid you to pass. The American people were not clamoring for a cap on medical malpractice awards. If a surgeon leaves an Altoids box in my chest cavity, I want to see him in debtors' prison.

New Rule: Hey, now that you've won and you're safe, you have to tell us, what the hell was that thing on your back during the debate?

New Rule: Hey, it's daddy's big day. Put on a bra. I mean, come on. You've got less support than Nader. And they call Kerry a flip-flopper.

New Rule: Stop saying that blue state people are out of touch with the values and morals of the red states. I'm not out of touch with them. I just don't share them. In fact, and I know this is about 140 years late, but to the Southern States, I would say, "Upon further consideration, you CAN go. I know that's what you've always wanted, and we've reconsidered. So go ahead. And take Texas with you." You know what they say. If at first you don't secede, try, try again. And give my regards to President Charlie Daniels.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I almost forgot, this is the time of healing. The time when blue states and red states come together because we have so much to offer each other. "Spice Rack" meet "Gun Rack." "Picky about bottled water," say hello to "Drinks from a garden hose." "Bought an antique nightstand at an estate sale," meet "Uses a giant wooden spool he stole from the phone company as a coffee table." Sorry, there I go again, kidding when I should be healing.

So, Democrats - Democrats and liberals, stop saying you're going to move because Bush won. Real liberals should be pledging to stay because Bush won. Trust me, you can't get away from Bush by moving to France. Because that's where we're invading next.